In seek of meaning

The beautiful green grass made me so calm and I decided to lay down .Its Bhumahi River and I am sleeping in dark forest and my other friends were nearby playing in the river. The area is called Surtan’s top .Sultan is man who had hut at the east corner of our village, he was family less and dedicated his life to make garden in jungle. We were regular visitor, our collection of mauwa, bell, Jamun were increasing day by the day.

I had books with me and I just lied down, when I opened my eyes a saint was standing behind me and I saw no one except. I turned towards him and returned to home. It was my regular visit and most often many visitors arrive there and used to get shocked at me seeing sleeping, my motive was not to sleep beneath the trees but due to reading habit in wild life sometimes made me sleepy and I felt to deep sleep. Among friends I used to be regarded fool and the friends of mine never left any opportunity to make joke of me and I being unable to understand these matters ,kept on staring at them,because I was very slow.

The days passed .The news of death of King Birendra and his family was spread in village.I was standing behind the gate of my neighbor with Kala suddenly the milkman arrived there and told the event to Shiv Dai,we thought it was joke.He said “ Go and open TV there is nothing in NTV channel”  and we did same ,that was true.The fact is fact ,unchangeable reality ,we expressed condolence .

There used to be so much robbery in terrain area and people were very afraid, the dacoits used to hurt  people and many villagers from another villages were affected. Even the camp of military established there in nearby river and which caused continued peace there .Not only much some noises of maoist and armies conflict were heard but I never encountered ,seen, they were rumors and we enjoyed them.

Oh,its five o’clock in evening. I got awaken .There is news about the accident in Spain where 77 people died and 144 people got injured. The incident happened after forty years. There is another is another news of end of Khan war in Bollywood ,Shahrukh Khan and Salman Khans were always my favorite ,even Rajesh Hamal is not less in own place but stardom never get lessen in any moment of the incidents whether sad/good around the year. It’s power of stardom and I always watch their movements like a dull puppet .

Today is Thursday ,the day of Sairam,it’s a news of Saibaba,the bhajans and aarti is going on in the television ,I get really impressed the soft words .It’s Sai palace ,and different where one devotee from Haidarabad has given 23 lakh’s  golden mukut to Sai Mandir,Rafik  Mohmmad made a golden rath to temple,Bijay Kumar gave golden roof to the temple. It is broadcasted in the news that Sai devotees are never returned empty hand from the temple. It is reported there is three hundred  crore deposit in Shirdi ,Maharastra ,which depicts the significance of Saibaba in India. “ Jai Sai ram” , my father gave speech to mother who is messaging my five month’s child Sameer.She adds “ oho,there is hunger lies somewhere and some are distributing golds” .Even slight cough of Sameer  seems agreement with their statements and I remain silent there.

One of my cousin has become DSP in Sudan, I congrated him and defined him “ as good” .Sometimes we try to define people with status only.Does status,stardom only matters here,the pictures of Ragini art ,the baitarni thought and the mix of colors to denote the meanings really attract ,I try to give words to them in vain .I know I know nothing and this “ nothingness” is something which has led me do something to derive out of the nothingness,uncertainity,emptiness and confusion.I just move fingers and they try to make words which are fake,useless,meaningless,uncertain and confusing…………………………………………

Mosaic

Santiago de Compostela the rail accident

Disasters, Madrid train bombing are still there

Festival in honor of Saint James is ignored there

Christian pilgrims are made unheard

Deepest sympathy as humanity does not wipe out the tears dear

Midday meals will be Prasad to stray dogs 

Before serving the children dear, from the voice of MP

 The exam runs for twenty minutes 

The testing of poison as it is unseen there dear

Why we teachers dear, are made victim, says he

Meghna, meghna, do you exist somewhere

As you are lost somewhere, in vacant space

The news is just passing times

Did your mother have justice in need?

Did his smile have stopped in time?

Girl, a minor at that time, was found pregnant

Gave birth to a girl child Pari was, gangraped,

A mentally retarded, the nine monsters in Chandigarh

Assisted by women, the muteness given by nature

Became her crime, money is promised over her

The victims of Darchula remains lost somewhere

The poverty, helplessness has eaten day by day

The celebrations to get happinesses are going on

Where are soundless souls surviving?

The death of hunger of poverty. the cry street chidren

The weapons which she used upon

Have you counted dear?

She has been centered dear

The shamelessness still is in her

The way she blames me dear

 

Her arrogance has ruined us

You are still after her

She is criminal in nature dear

Still you are worshipper of her

After all you are a culprit

The rainy day outside makes me weaker to go our dear

The child’s cry stops me to be courageous

My sickness still smell there

The smell of weakness, freakiness, cowardsness,

The compulsion of bearing this fragileness

The classes in universities are still going on

There is selection of ministers dear

The election is near dear

The margin and centre are made speech

The periphery is just mere deleted on surface

The empty vassal ness can be gone

The loud sound of budget can be used positively

The insects of corruption not going to deleted dear

Have culprit are affected by jails

Only minor money is penalized there

Order, Order says the judge

A punishment is made heard

Are the fears of crime reduced there?

Social security is useless terms here

The killing of senior citizen still continued

 

The crowd is after her

Her artificial naive, the planning of making hurt someone

The ruin, the violence she made before to …………..

Is appreciated as her innocence, she is victimized here

They became innocent dear, as you are culprit here

The waste land, the ladies are there dear

She behaves to be sixteen dear

Although she is in sixties

Her beauty has defined her innocence

Because you are saving her dear

Korean peninsula

Communist North and capitalist South

Are the still wanted to be united

Is fading dear, the Holy Grail

The reunification is dreamed

A voice of unity can bring peace here dear.

The declaration of U N ,toilet day

Made me laugh, still proposal are made dear

Can sanitation is essential,

As Singapore is serious here

Are we still making jokes dear.

My eyes do not stop here

The pages of news still lie here

With a cup of tea mom describes

Her logic of justice for humanity

Her loud TV news in morning makes me compel to write there

I try to catch the pen, the play of words captures me

The Microsoft word call me, the play of words captures me

The play of words captures me

I try to type but remain unable

Will you teach to write dear?

The songs of humanity here.

The news papers, the channel,the fm are here

The online media, facebook

News, News ,news ,news

Poems ,poems,prose,gazals

The facebook war of sharing

Here and there ,there and here

The subscription still here

Ncel,Airtel,Vodaphone here

Are still here with me

The visa,the greencard here

The drhm,dollars are

Flipcart.com for free shopping

The market of thamel,the civil malls

The world trade centre

The shopping in Singpore

The need of earning money

The globalization, shopping in Chadani Chowk

The films of Newyork

The gold,the diamond,the teej,karwa chaouth

The golden bangles, diamond neckless

The red sarees, the fashionable dress

The cut piece of jeans, the stylish hairs

The naked girls,the family romance

The social site and love for it

The news and our life here

The relationship of machine and men

The monetary and machinery value over life

The competition for job and secured life

Are mahabharat katha dear now?

Are ramayan of Kaliyuga Dear?

Is bible dear, the kuran, the Ramadan?

The Holy grails are somewhere

Ignored, lost and made new mosaic

The competition, competition

The power politics, the play of mind

The plan for winning going beyond humanity

Still exist here, anyhow we need to win

The sense of win is prevailed here

And I am wondered here.

Jay internet Bhagawan, Jay Modem Bhagwan

Please come on time to connect, photos in facebook

To upload, like, comments are there

They are my prizes, jay internet bhagawan

Hey Cable Mata, except you I don’t link to the world

Hey Cable Mata, Oh Airtel bhaiya, Oh Vodaphone  bhaiya

Except you the world is empty

You are my heart, flipcart.com

The modern disco,the postmodern mind

The play of jargons ,the war of ideologies

The machinery rules over here

Still continues here

I puppet of time,machine

Peep in to empty sky silently ………………………

Can you listen her voice?

Gau Gau bata Utha

Bsti Basti bata

Yo deshko muhar phernalai utha

Hatma Kalam hune haru Kalam liyera

Let’s be ready to change our country.It’s  2062 and people are in their houses,the roads are empty ,soundless ,there is some noise nearby ,I just peer at the scenario somebody is beating drum so badly as resistence.The radio keeps on providing news about the strikes and ralleys ,the number of wounded there,the missing people from ralley.The street dramas are going on ,Mr.Umesh Tiwari behaves a corrupt leader and his friends are resisting there.I really enjoys.The NGOs are raising the issues of social inclusion ,equity ,justice ,women empowerment, human rights  and I also try to understand value of those ideas .

But this incident of Morang urlabari  Nepal has attracted me so much ,she is misbehaved for being lower caste and her pathetic condition has been to the humanity where are you now.

Does humanity exist there,are you there,see her 

Her lamentation are unheard her 

Her cry is heard nowhere

So sad,the black ness have engulfed her

The pain,the tears signify her

Does not she have right dear

Where Slogans of humanity cover the mass 

Where is media here,dear

Are they still after rich

She is unhear as she poor,weak and helpless

Her caste is her crime,she is below 

And the torturer are great here,

The power politics prevail here. 

Sometimes it happens

Papa kahte hai barha nam karega
Beta Hamara Aisa Kam Karega
Magar ye to Koi Najane
Ki meri manjil hai kaha.

Father says my son will have name and fame but I do not know my destinations.
The song reminds me my condition.

It was year 2007 for first time I arrived at Kirtipur, it is very beautiful area full of natural beauty and human crowds .I had just passed my bachelor and desired to study somewhere and my best Friend Giriraj gave me suggestion to join. He and I was childhood friend, up brought together in Assam and after a long time we got married and started to live in Kathmandu. I tried to inquire about Tribhuvan University was established in 1959 is the oldest of the five universities in Nepal.

There were multiple academic departments and I wanted to join the English Department. There were many good teachers in this department and I always loved to learn the ideas they provided about literature which were really interesting .But I was a dull student who could not grasp anything out of them and just stared at them carefully moving lips.

Time never stops for anybody. One of our smart students did suicide we remain curious about his death. Some plays about Hindu Mythological King Dushyanta were performed and I remain unable to watch in theatre because no tickets were available to me. After running here and there anyhow I passed it and began to teach in a school for nursery children.

The songs of Walt Whitman, the lamentation of Sylvia Plath ,the critical theories were studied,discussed,anyalyzed ,examined ,evaluated and compared there .I got a big zero in all subjects in class room and became the character to mock. My mother gave a harsh comment, “You cannot make a donkey a cow by washing hard” Anyhow, I tried to pass the Masters.

Neha, the little girl around my house recites her poem and I try to mimic her attitude but in vain.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

How I wonder what you are

Up above world so high

Like the diamond in the Star

Neha comes and mocks at me saying “oho”, suddenly I close the book and try to pretend of sleeping. The day passes away, I try to be more attentive to learn something innovative, I visit here and there.

Suddenly somebody arrives there on the door. Oh, it’s Mangloo, my neighbor who has a restaurant near my house and he offers some food to me and goes away. Lying on the bed, I began to think about him, they live in a tiny house with ten adult men and five children, how hard is life to be messed in a way where you have no privacy.

Love affairs are the part of our life. My regular watch of Emotional Atyachar on Bidas Channel gave me more definitions of love and lovers ,I tried to link them real life although in reality such love scenes  rarely exists in our life. You have to run after the basic need and our loves get flied in the sky with the necessity of family needs.

The homepage of facebook multiple definitions of loves.The philosophers of love make a long definitions there ,I tried to read out their gazals ,poems,songs and the photosnaps to express their love life in reality.The husband wife photo,the family photos are uploade,pasted,shared,commented and the competition reaches in a speed.I too try to copy.The beautiful girls cover the facebook and as an audience I kept on peeping their picture to explore the reasons of their beauty but that also fails here.

The loud  song of “Student of the Year” of Karan Johar about Radha reminds me  the novel “Radha “by Krishna Dharabasi .This song brings a lot of added charm to Radha’s personality where is Radha is so cute,charming,her dress is praised ,her dance movements ,her desires to moves were praised with bold dance of Disco which Dharabasi doesnot fill,his Radha is pessimistic and lamenting.

There is news about ending Khan War in Bolywood which is so highlighted and my eyes get focused. The media,the superstars became part of our life. We try to imitate making hair style like them, by dressing .Sometimes some henstyle hair style attract me so much and I feel at least people are being so creative trying to make nest for birds as the skyscrapers have been covered the lands. The wild animals are more liked by people than the relatives.

Suddenly lights get switched off and I turned to bed.I am very coward in nature.I begin to dream about so called witch which I saw  in Haunted Ninghts ,the expression of her  red deadly eyes , the long hair and the dangerous voice made me so fearful I just try to run away from her and get hold of my mom’ lap ,where I get secure life  and her lovely touch makes me  sleepy.

Sirubari , the beauty of Syngja

Sirubari

I was just Nine years old when I first time  arrived here .My Dad used to stay in different areas of Assam and I used to visit with him.It was 1993 we thought for Family visit to Sirubari.We took step towards Sirubari,it is assumed as first tourist area of Nepal.It was my own village and to visit here was my dream.It is situated in Syangja district southwest of Pokhara, a south-facing slope at 1,700 m above sea level is a short drive from Pokhara but there are many buses run from Pokhara,Synjga bazar,Bejhang to reach there . The climate is so good you feel really refreshing throughout the yearsThe houses are mostly built from local materials like stone,white fabric,tin sand, bricks and cement which are available there and are well constructed ,and looked so charming to see and so much comfortable to stay there.

Again in 2012 ,once we friend decided to have Sirubar Village Trek from Pokhara ,I asked Dad to plan the time schedule,he helped me a lot.During those days I used to stay Gairhapatan of Pokhara,so it was nearer  and safer to have visit there .Dad told me the best season would be Septmeber to December and March to May and I decided to visit in December itself.We planned for homestay which was for seven days there .

Some of my Indian Friends arrive there  in Pokhara Airport airport in early morning and we   got in a local micro bus from Pokhara  which reached to Syngja Bazar .

After observing the beautiful scenario of Synjga bazaar ,we waited for bus to Sirubari,it was crowdy and the loud music was there .I tried to capture the song :

Aadhi khola Urlera Aayo

Aaune Din mayale bolayo

(Aadhi river flows and my dear called me the same day)

 

Oh,there were lots of things around it and we thought it’s very difficult to get sit there and so I decided to take a taxi there .We got a cab and via Badhkhola , Darau we reached to Sirbari in after noon around 4.00 clock  .  There was Lunch and welcome ceremony at Sirubari, and blessing by village lama (priest)after which we interact with home-stay families and had Dinner with them.

Next day there was village tour, Visit to Panchamul High School. It was so beautiful area of this area the school is so neat and clean and the children studying in this school look so mature and calm.We observed the classroom and other infrastructure there and noticed some markets beside the school which were adding charms to the area due to its local  typed of building structure.We returned  for Lunch back with families at home-stay. After having lunch interact with home-stay families and watch cultural shows organized by them .I still remember the song they sing

 

Kaha ho Nani Ghar timro

Kaha maiti ghara

Nani ta raichhau hamro damle

(Where are you from ,where is your maternal home ,you are our age baby.)

:  We walk to Maidan Kharka and Thumro next morning ,to  observe sunrise view. Mr. Giriraj took so many photos and we enjoyed the locality with out keen observation.Then we returned for Lunch with families at home-stay.After taking a short snap,Raju called me to watch  Group acitivity at village gompa followed by cultural program and we enjoy the Salaijo they presented there .It took nearly three four hours to finish the cultural program after which they organized  Dinner with families at home-stay.

There was a call from dad to return Pokhara so we could make another trip to Chitwan Sauraha with my these friends.It was a break from SLC and my father wanted me to travel and collect the experience of different places ,so I followed his idea too.Then after taking part in Farewell program  at village gompa  we departed for Pokhara via Karkinetta, Seti Dobhan and Naudanda and had Lunch en route.

On the way we came to see the old types of houses which symbolized the Rural houses in past ,which is rarely seen now ,but this picture gave me a lovely memoir of our cultural heritage,the exact /rural houses.

My Desire of A School

(A dream recurrs every night.It's a school which represents all the developing countries where children are not getting proper education and this school is my dream ,which can be our safe hand to enhance poor children,bringing changes in  their education system, to raise voice same progress in public and private schools.In ,my dream ,I see there is some school/organization which has been working with same motto and I am part  of  it.)

 ...........................has been appeared as an innovative organization which is dedicated to change in education system and avoid any sort of unequal opportunities in education system prevailed in ....... and as a teacher I want to part of this organization. lt provides the opportunity to be social servant as teacher as I will be one of the good teacher who will be providing the students the essential guidance and care in studies so that they perform better in future. This ……………….. is a golden opportunity to teach students with new skills in academic field, my collective experiences of  teaching and non teaching profession has led me so enthusiastic to do so something seriously .

There are multiple options in teaching field of .........., as there are various schools and organizations who are based on values around monetary benefit but ……………….is a committed to bring a drastic change in class room environment, school system, classroom environment and I want to be part of this organization to uses my own teaching, counseling, leadership skills to the students. ………. believes in the constant evaluation of the community schools with its historical educational status and using the necessary methodology in uplifting the educational attainments and I am really impressed by this long-term policy to change the education systems in community schools by doing critical examination, observation, evaluation of the weaknesses in education policy prevalent in those schools.

The systematic arrangement/union of the youth professionals and leaders from local level to national level (including international level) has brought a correct vision in form of ………………and being part of this organization from the local level I want to work with vision. I am also a student from Community School and understand the basic problems in these schools .I know there will be so many opportunities to learn about the problems in these new community schools but to analyze problems of those students and understand the difficulty around them will be my motto .My critical and creative thinking ability will be useful in this area because ………………believes in these innovative ideas like students are performers not mere listeners and practicality of the courses is need of time.

Thus, my desire to be part of …………………is based on my study about values of ………….because it will give me the golden opportunity to be professional in my teaching especially in context of ...........................

I am a Bar Dancer.

  

I am Bar Dancer.The media always highlights me. Do you remember me ? Me with beautiful eyes,attractive personality always attracts all the people around me.I am always exaggerated unnecessarily because of my poverty and my poverty has led me here .I also wanted normal life but my poor conditions pushed me in such life.Now ,I want to hear my story dear,because me too a human being,who is made unlistened,unseen,fleshy thing,used ,thrown ,killed,used mercilessly ,even the films like “Talash” represent less me.Am a I less human,am I thing ,can you hear me please,the noisy sound around city eats me day by day ,I get remain as a doll here in the mid of light.You know ,the humanness is also in myself and my story begins this way.

 I had so much economic problems at my house so my family could not support for my education .I began to worry about my sister's study after my SLC. She began to give tuition classes to children and later I joined to boarding schools so that I could have regular incomes to buy books and other materials for her. She could not attend the classes regularly in college, so only in holidays of schools She used to take classes in colleges and  She did join various volunteer groups and began to work with them. Whole day I used to dance to give her to study in schools and at evening time she used to dance give tuition classes.

She tried for various scholarships in colleges and got them they also helped her to buy my books. She completed her intermediate anyhow .She had dreamed of being the educated daughter of my family as my father had always dreamed of. The big family size, the growing necessity of family members always became tackles to my life as there was food scarcity in my family. We used to live in rented house and we had  no money to pay them. The loans made our days more pathetic. There used to arise multiple questions in my mind will I be ever able to fulfill my dream of leading my family  carefully fulfilling their basic needs. I was just two years older from my sisters and always dreamed of giving her good life.So ,that time only twenty thousand rupees used to be my desire every day ,out of which I saved for my sisters specially three hundred rupees for going for college and three hundred   rupees for returning in a month because discounts were made upon students’ identity card and that  she had. The desire to lead a good life with educated image never left her in any situation. My mind, my heart and my eyes seek nothing only one thing that is complete education for my sister .The penniless condition always made me sad .Coming to Mumbai ,I get the job in Dance Bar and  after a hard labor and it helped  me a lot. I did a hard labor and  gave extra time for dancing .It helped a lot to overcome my problems, now I became able to make a good living for my families. 

Even after that I got married and began to work in Mumbai in Bar  because in a way it was my regular income which led me more experiences in my life.I feel happy that I am very confident of my work and always eager to learn something new. There were girls from various corners of India,even Nepalese girls arrive here. My diary not only includes their names ,it has their photos too. There is hot news of closing bars in TV.

Suddenly I got my eyes open and I remember I was dreaming something what I saw in Television News. I realize the voice made me compel to listen her because she is sad and giving interview for my channel. Her sad face made me more eager to know about her. Now this experience has led me to be writer of film here, it is the right platform me because I know the value of writing who give so much space to the girls from different social, economic, ethnic and geographical background and arrive in bar in hope to have better life for themselves.

It has been eight years of closing bars in Mumbai and the demand of opening bar has made me attracted towards it, even high court denied it. The media have been presenting the lamentation of those bar girls and I got engaged to listen them with them closing my diary.