Everyday I got confusion with God Pashupatinath why I do not understand his grace in my life,I have been following since 2000 AD but the day I entered there I just stood around the temple and saw there were many priests who were doing every rituals perfectly,my term of being perfect remains under observation because having budhdhichanak book prescribed by Banaras Pustak Bhandar did not any good quality in me and went to confess everything there.I just kept on calling his name for giving me excuse of my past sin ,I recited various aarties and mantra like Gayatree mantra,Shiva Chalisa and came to home.Other times I just carry book speak loudly a lot using the iphone at hand and laptop and television becomes my friend but I never found any quality of Buddichanak in me.I saw the boards of different offices on the way to Baneshwar but my eyes could not relate me with any one.I just tried to read the books in Tribhuvan University Library too about our rural lives,thesis about rural developments,Everything was same thing imitated ,prescribed,narrated,copied and pasted but the logos are same.I was under logo of so called books and my daily discussion with mom never ended.I could not grow up till now and I feel shame on me now,my collections of Yuvamanch,Digest,Oxford Dictionary,Nepalese novels, Hiindi Novels,Benagali magazines Assamese magazines and epics and magazines ,books related to Management,Sociology,English ,Science ,Journalism and Hindu Mythology and different gadgets given my brother to learn in advance way helped me nothing.From every areas he went he brought everything books,gadgets,multimedia and clothes to make me perfect but I realize the reality that I know nothing at all.I just remember the automobile vehicle around tea estate where we school children used to run ,I had nothing at all but there were many teachers ,friends of different ages who offered the facilities to understand the world and I feel shame only for my ignorance.Every day on local bus in ringroad of Kathmandu there are many oldies prescribing about the knowledge they have I just feel shame of everything of my life.I just sing the song ,shame on me ,shame on me and shame on me.I have lost my library cards and hiding in a corner of Kathmandu,my journey on foot about South Extension New Delhi and the foodies there ,different tea and local tribes,the jwellery shops and macdies ,the taste of Cococola,Bhatbhateni store in Maharajgunj or different beautiful shops around Indrachowk ,the lovely flvor of Jeera Masala with Timmur has nothing to do to make me able one day.I just feel shame on me.I just wanna to hide with my Dukhiko Thauno at home,myau myau biralo lullaby to understand around,want to learn the montessory rhymes the way my son sings,his wheel on the bus rhyme and the accident near Ambukhairani are live stories,I try to explore the rules of life and I just copy and copy each ideas feeling shame on me.Just have been listening the news of politics and try to keep on sleep on bed only because the ideas around you grasp you feel better to be a monk than to learn something in life.I keep on shouting and blaming my hubby you do not help at all but momma also feel shame.I just take my dukhiko thauno with me ,speaks with Danture baa,my kichkiche habit of speaking irritates my baby and I just play with tablet and listen the song ,Shame on me.
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